Democratic lawmakers in both chambers are advocating that Senator Chuck Schumer stop his act of protest. Over the past week and a half, Schumer has stayed the course in protesting the recent actions of Donald Trump by a willful show of abstinence. Inspired by a recent showing of a play centered around the life of Gandhi, Schumer vowed that the nation is more important than any desires he could have. He claimed, via a press release, that he will keep this up until Trump changes course. Doctors urge him to take it one day at a time and quit if he notices any form of prostate swelling. Schumer tweeted regarding this matter that he stands firm and hard on this issue and won't shrink down under pressure. "Trump can't touch me so I won't either," he later tweeted in response to critics who wondered why he's doing this. Critics of his abstinence position include every single Democratic legislator. "He's making rash decisions", says an anonymous congressman, "I wish he could just take a breather and get focused. The fate of the country is in his hands. I mean that metaphorically, of course."
Donald Trump fired back on Twitter, saying "You're Disgusting Chuck. Nobody cares about your business." He later tweets "You have a healthcare plan Chuck. Use it and get yourself some help!"
Barack Obama chimed in to offer moral support. "Yes you can Chuck. Yes you can."
Democratic leaders say Chuck is not easy to be around lately. An aging California Senator had this to say: "He gets really nervous and feels rushed. He's constantly using one of those stupid wheels. The fidget spinners. He looks like he's seven years old."
She's not the only one fed up with Schumer's antics. According to a Democratic Senator from Indiana, "He just holds that spinner and gives the blankest stare you've ever seen. We think he's just voting yes to everything because he's off in another world and doesn't want to admit to it."
A Massachusetts Senator lamented "He actually voted to cut the Medicare budget, which would dramatically underfund it. He claimed he knew exactly what he was doing. Now we don't know what to do to save it."
Schumer claims all is well, that he always pays full attention and was merely contemplating pros and cons when people saw what looked like a blank stare. "By cutting the budget, we show the rest of the country what it means to be Democrat and the effect of letting the Republicans have their way. I voted out of the best interest of the country to showcase why we need more support. I feel it was worth the risk."
As a result of the backlash, Schumer changed his Twitter handle to "notouchchuck".
"Of course my head's in the game on the Senate floor. Spinning is simply symbolic. It's visual art to depict the spinning world we're on and how the clock is ticking. We can't wait for America to fix itself. We must control the spinner rather than letting Trump spin it. I am proud to be a spinner. When they see me staring off into space, I am simply rising above their petty politics."
"At first, he was blowing on it like a pinwheel. He sounded like a child trying to blow out birthday candles," reported an intern. Other Senators thought he was trying to spit on them. Chuck wouldn't stop, though, even after they asked him to."
A Fox News analyst was puzzled. "Where did he get this idea from? Seinfeld? I highly doubt Gandhi would have advocated this absurdity. He's certainly more like George Constanza trying to pull off a show of superiority. I swear he had a lollipop in his mouth and a leather jacket on two weeks ago in the corridor. Inside, I was going 'Chuck?! Keep your midlife crisis to yourself.'"
"He was bragging about his 'wheels' to a lobbyist. I couldn't help but roll my eyes. I was expecting him to ride off on a motorcycle. To my surprise, he pulled out three fidget spinners." The intern's jaw dropped as Schumer confronted him. "'Go ahead, take em for a spin.' He says. It was ridiculous. I can't even..."
The Fox analyst continued. "I know what's going on. He thinks that this'll bring in support for reelection. As if this proves he's better and a purist. A lot of us think he's targeting the evangelical vote. It might be for reelection but it could also be a way to pull the GOP away from Trump toward him and shift the healthcare debate in his favor. He's either crazy or a genius. Only time will tell."